This week has been such a difficult one. I have never felt this way in my life. There are many different slang terms that missionaries use like "greenie" for new missionaries, "father" for the person who trained you, "birthplace" for your first area, and many more. One that I get told constantly is that I'm going to die soon, meaning I'm going to be ending my mission. I don't think until yesterday I fully realized how true that is. To end a mission is to have a part of you, I would suggest the majority of you, die. I feel that now so strongly after having my last interview with my mission president. We had a zone training day at president's home while interviews were going and it was an interesting feeling to see all of my close friends talk and train about how we can be better missionaries while I was looking at them thinking this will be the last time I will ever see some of them. Then when everyone left it was just the sister training leaders and us and we had a dinner with President and Sister Gubler and talked about the zone and then had our interviews. When I went in, all we talked about was home. We talked for a long time and he answered my questions and then he said thank you and talked about how he had seen me grow in the past two years and seen my service change me. When he was done I left feeling so sad inside because he made the end feel so real. I now feel the "death" approaching as if I have some sort of terminal illness wishing I could be cured and keep going but knowing it is my time. I have been given so much advice in the past few weeks from everyone I know about finishing a mission strong and about going home strong. It's been helpful and constructive but no one has helped me understand how to cope with the feelings that have now. The feelings that keep welling up and tell me that this will all be over soon and that I'll never be able to have these experiences again. I know going home will bring so much goodness and happiness but my heart feels like I'm dying. When you leave home to go on a mission there is a time you will return home to the same people and same place, but when you leave you mission there will never be a return date as a missionary.
With all that depressing stuff being said I do feel at peace knowing that God has been happy with the time that I have spent here and the eternal friends I have been able to make. In the course of two years I have learned many lessons which range from small practical cooking tips to how to talk to God and recognize His voice talking back. I know that the lessons I have learned here will be a spring board to propel me forward for the rest of my life. Of all these valuable lessons learned, one that I am most fond of is that I have been able to gain a deep and real relationship with God. I have learned that He is very aware of everyone and His hand is in their life. His love is ever present. As I have served others I have felt God's love for people and it has worked within me to help me do things I couldn't or wouldn't do on my own. I have caught glimpses of the way our Heavenly Father sees His children and this has changed my heart. His love, which to me is made manifest the most through Jesus Christ, is the foundation of my life. His love has changed my desires which has changed my thoughts and my actions. That love He has for me is my testimony and it is the light in me that I will always try and share with others because I have seen that as I have shared that light. It fills others with light and increases mine. I love this gospel and know it is true and that through Jesus Christ we can overcome anything and receive the strength to keep going. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Love,
Elder Johnson
